From Dying to Living

Teenage years can be hard. You're going through a period of intense growth, not only physically but emotionally and intellectually. Moreover, you're trying to fit in with your friends, family, and society. Sometimes you make embarrassing moves; sometimes not. Add to this mixture, you're faced with all the Do's and Don'ts which sometimes do not rationally make sense or are contradictory. Bottom line: you're trying to figure out who you are, what this world is about, and where you fit in.

Actually life as an adult can also be hard. We have goals and dreams. We have responsibilities. We face pressures. There are many roads to choose from. Sometimes we take paths based on experience and our own wisdom. We believe we’re making the right decisions based on the past and our limited foresight into the future.

I am reminded of my own somewhat dark journey, starting with personal accomplishments ending in guilt, frustration, and despair.

My family and I immigrated to America in the seventies. We don’t have much but God blessed us with good health and good home life. If you can believe it, a home in San Francisco during the 70’s can be as low as $50,000 !

I became a Christian, a believer in Christ during my sophomore year in high school; I faithfully attend and serve in church. I was happy and looking forward to what’s out there in the world. God has been good to me. The world has been good to me.

After graduating from the university and starting my first job, I convinced myself I needed a short break. I’m young and healthy.  Lord, I will come back ...

I began wanting to do things my way without God's leading, let alone His input. I started ignoring some of the basic biblical teaching and warnings. I was alive, but spiritually, I felt alone. 

Things were going relatively well; life kept going. But slowly I began to realize something was missing.

What could be missing? I have a good family of my own. I have good jobs with good income; I’ve traveled and achieved most of what I had set out to do. Why not come up with new things you'd want to do from some 'bucket list'?

People with good intention would also tell me to just feel good about yourself. As long as you have

● something to do,
● somebody to love, and
● something to hope for,
you're gonna be ok.

No, I was not OK. Slowly the empty void started to fill me. I blamed it on the lack of goals, nothing to look forward to. I tried this and that; doing things differently. It was making me feel happy for a while. But then it didn’t stick. I felt isolated and alone. And nothing seemed to work.

Despair, guilt, and frustration began pecking away at my psyche.

You know what you do when you feel depressed and don’t feel good about yourself? You try to fix it. Some people use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. I used something that’s cheaper and available anytime, anywhere. I played games.

I remembered sitting in Mill Valley, spending almost 12 hours a day, sometimes into the early hours, every day, for weeks, playing iPhone games, zoning off, masking the creeping depression and doing whatever I can to blank out reality and forget my problems. What a depressing thought-- you're young and healthy, yet you lack any hopeful outlook in life.

What about new goals? I could focus on getting a better job? Going back to school? Learning new skills? Living in one of those nice houses or farms in Sonoma? Or traveling to that next city or country?

But really, those things just didn’t even perk me. I wanted to do something that has a long-term impact. I wanted something that’s real and has lasting value, not fake or temporary; something permanent and eternal. I wanted to know how to live.

I live clean, I eat good and healthy, I exercise, and I never smoke. Then nine years ago, I was fifty and discovered I was having not one but two cancers: lung and thyroid cancers, both were in late stage — both aggressive, but only one was deadly (lung).

Statistics said a person of my type of lung cancer, diagnosed at late stage, have about a 5% chance of surviving past 5 years. My oncologists told me to start thinking about making wills. 

What were the treatments like? For lung cancer: I remembered going through painful chemo and radiation treatments-- in the morning being injected with max dose of chemo, juggling various medical prepping work, talking to doctors, scans, then in the evening, lying there, getting high dose of targeted radiation to kill cancer cells and shrink tumors in neck and chest. I remembered our 10-year-old daughter brave enough to offer to remove hard to reach burnt patches of skins from Mommy's chest, neck and back at home later in the night. 

My lung cancer treatment cycle was you'd go through both treatments everyday for one week, then eat, rest, scan, and wait the following week. All this happened every two weeks from early October thru Thanksgiving, Christmas to New Year. And all this just to treat incurable disease because they were aggressive and already metastasized outside my lung into my neck. While at the same time, the other cancer (thyroid) tumors continued to grow in my neck.

During those initial four months of lung cancer treatment, I just blanked out, not thinking of anything except breathing. It was almost as if someone had turned off the light and put a blinder on. I remembered thinking, semi detached:

1. I couldn’t do anything.

2. It was out of my hands.

3. I’m waiting for the inevitable.

4. I had no choice but to literally just take one day at a time.

Throughout all those months, that old-time faith in God began flickering. God was holding my hand and taking care of everything regardless of how dire the situation was. He was healing me through all medical avenues. He never allowed me to dwell on the hopelessness of the situation or what my death would leave behind.

Two years after lung’s chemo and radiation treatment, I finally addressed the thyroid cancer by having it all surgically removed and started lifelong thyroid hormone replacement therapy (THR) after total thyroidectomy. To address suspected recurring lung tumors, I took anti-lung cancer targeted treatment drug for the next four years.

It's been a few years since my last posting. I’m not cancer free but by God's grace, I am reaching my 4th year in remission-- I've stopped taking the targeted lung cancer drug due to its severe side-effect. I thank God for everything and that both cancers are, for now, stabilized. I thank Him everyday for this miracle.

Thinking back ... The first two years, my Creator was healing my body. During those years, He began to also slowly heal my soul and draw me back-- to call me back, to Him.

Through circumstances within His leading, I remembered going to a church and the pastor there was giving a sermon. To tell you the truth, I don’t remember much of what he said exactly. I just knew I was crying most of the time. I was starving and thirsty for that life, not realizing that God was going to show me-- which He did, gradually through the Scriptures.

Jesus said, "I AM the bread of life. He who comes to Me shall never hunger, and he who believes in Me shall never thirst."

He also said, "I AM the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life."

That was 9 years ago. I now pray and read my bible and get to know this Almighty God again. I know what my purpose in life is: to glorify and follow Jesus -- for all things were created by Him and for Him.

I was finally experiencing that joy, hope, and love that no one or the world can provide nor take away. 

The secret is in Jesus, God "Incarnate," who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising its shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. He came into this darkened world over 2000 years ago to die in our place, save us from our sins, and give His life a ransom for many (Romans 5:8-9, Mark 10:45).

Salvation by faith in Christ comes with it the fruit of the indwelling Spirit of God such as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

That’s the God I believe in, the God who calls and gives me and millions of people who were lost or finding ourselves wandering, the faith to find our way back to Him and become who He meant us to be. Jesus forgave and revived me. He renewed my faith and hope in Him and filled that empty void with His presence, blessings, peace and most importantly, joy.

Not only are all my sins forgiven, I have the assurance of God's promise of eternal life (John 3:16-18,19-21). While I'm here on earth, I know my purpose in life and am full of hope.

Jesus said: "For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost."

“… I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Jesus said, “Come unto me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Will you?

Can I share this with you: God✝️Man Good News